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Man Risks Death to Keep Moustache

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A Pakistani man is determined to maintain his impressive lip weasel despite death threats from the Taliban. Malik Amir Mohammad Khan Afridi, a resident of the northwestern Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa province on the Afghan border, is currently in hiding with his moustache. Mr. Afridi’s face furniture originally measured 30 inches from tip to tip, easily making it a trophy-winning smasher in any other country. But a splinter group of the Taliban declared his moustache to be “un-Islamic” and demanded $500 a month in “protection money” if he didn’t shave it off. Mr. Afridi refused, and was promptly kidnapped and held hostage in…

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Auntie to Axe the Sky at Night

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Only a year after the death of Sir Patrick Moore (whose last interview was in The Chap), the BBC is seriously considering pulling The Sky at Night from the airwaves after 56 years on television. It could be as early as December this year when the lights are turned out on the monthly astronomy programme. Sir Patrick presented the show’s first episode on 24 April 1957, and went on to present a total of 721 episodes until his death on 9 December 2012. His final programme was posthumously broadcast on 7 January 2013. The BBC should be condemmed for axing…

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Neapolitan Nights

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Neapolitan Nights – Patricia Hammond and Matt Redman 2013 Patricia Hammond, the silky-voiced singer often described as the Canadian Nightingale, familiar to readers of The Chap as the singer with headline act Albert Ball’s Flying Aces at the Grand Anarcho-Dandyist Ball last December, has recorded an exclusive track for The Chap, to coincide with her article in the current edition (69, June-July 2013) on her collection of vintage sheet music. Neapolitan Nights was the first piece of sheet music Miss Hammond purchased, and she recorded the track with musician Matt Redman, who did the arrangement and played classical guitar, acoustic…

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Highest Recorded Reading of The Chap

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A team of scientists working on Mount Everest has broken the world record for the highest altitude reading of The Chap. Dr. Martin, Dr. Hennis, Dr. Smedley, Dr. Vercueil, Dr. Couppis, Mr. Horscroft and Captain Carroll sent us this photograph of a reading of The Chap at South Base Camp in Nepal, at an altitude of 17,598 feet. The team are engaged in “a scientific endeavour of the utmost importance”. They claim, however, to value their leisure time and made the most of their spectacular high altitude by casually setting a world record for the highest reading of The Chap…

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Date Confirmed For Ninth Chap Olympiad

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The long-anticipated announcement of the date of this year’s Chap Olympiad – which can now return to its original title of The Chap Olympics without risk of being hauled before the now non-existent British Olympic Committee – has come: Saturday 13th July in Bedford Square Gardens, London. This year’s incarnation of this stunning attempt by a lot of stuffed shirts to run around and jump up and down a bit will see the introduction of six brand-new events, all designed to test the mettle of the elegant of trouser, but not so elegant of sudden movement. The new events, which…

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The Gentlemen Vanish

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Hot on the heels of the Jimmy Saville scandal, writes Steve Pittard, the BBC has committed another dreadful faux pax, by axing Charters and Caldicott from their new production of The Lady Vanishes. In the original 1938 Hitchcock film, elderly rail traveller Miss Froy disappears, but the biggest mystery in this new production, due to air on BBC 1 on 17th March, is that so do Charters and Caldicott. Those splendid bumbling cricket obsessives, rushing back to England to see the last days of a Test match, were played by Basil Radford and Naunton Wayne. Stealing the show in the…

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Simon Le Bon Mo’

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Former pop superstar and poster-boy for ageing teen-idols Simon Le Bon has taken the bold step of decorating his upper lip with a superb smasher. The erstwhile Duran Duran singer grew his lip weasel for Movember but then, with the approbation of his good lady wife, decided to keep it, realising that moustaches are for life, not just for November. Michael “Atters” Attree, moustachioed editor-at-large for The Chap, commented: “My oh my, how this cheesy 80s upper-lip Stilton has matured! Having recently injured his vocal chords, this Wild Boy has come back down to Planet Earth with a banging lip…

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Abercrombie & Fitch’s Savile Row Plans Scuppered

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American teen wear retailer Abercrombie & Fitch is facing further setbacks in its absurd attempt to open a children’s store on Savile Row. Their latest application to Westminster Council was described as “deeply flawed” by one council official. The sections of the plans objected to by the council centre around Abercrombie & Fitch wishing to make major structural changes to the Grade II-listed building they have bought at number 3 Savile Row. The company applied for permission to open a children’s store last year and was allowed to move into the building, which comes under a Special Policy Area order…

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Prince Charles’s First Visit to Tailor in 30 Years

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The Prince of Wales has paid his first visit to his tailor for 30 years. Since becoming a client in 1982, the Prince has been measured and fitted at Clarence House by Mr. Hitchcock, Anderson & Sheppard’s chief cutter. The Prince likes to see Mr. Hitchcock soon after eight in the morning, “Then it’s not interrupting his day, as it were”. When trying on a half finished suit, he relies on the opinion of his valet as well as his own and that of his tailor. Just before Christmas, Prince Charles paid a personal visit to Anderson & Sheppard to…

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Rest in Space, Sir Patrick Moore

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England’s best-loved and most eccentric astronomer, Sir Patrick Moore, has died aged 89 at his home in Sussex. Much loved for his enthusiastic delivery and extra curricular activities, which included playing the xylophone, writing children’s stories and composing operas, Sir Patrick was involved with BBC television’s The Sky at Night for over 55 years, and its host for four decades. His colourful career began in the Second World War, when he lied about his age to join the RAF, serving first with Bomber Command and then rising to the rank of Flight Lieutenant. During the War his fiancee, Lorna, was…

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The Grand Anarcho-Dandyist Ball in Pictures

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Photographs of some of the guests at the Chap’s Fourth Grand Anarcho-Dandyist Ball on 1st December 2012. Photography by Russ Bell.

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Prime Minister Pops Out of Starched Shirt

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At the Lord Mayor’s Banquet in the Guildhall in London, Prime Minister David Cameron got so carried away with his speech about the financial services industry that he popped all the studs on his boiled front shirt. “Yes, some utterly terrible mistakes were made and they need to be addressed properly so they can never happen again,” Cameron told his City audience, referring to the fact that financial services contributed an eighth of all government revenue during the recession. “But those who think the answer is just to trash the banks would end up trashing Britain. I say recognise the…

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