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Butler
News

Butler Agrees to Butle at Ball

In a remarkable turn of events, The Chap has managed to procure the services of a genuine butler for the Second Grand Anarcho-Dandyist Ball on 4th December. This role is a crucial one, in terms of providing a discreet platform for guests at Chap events to flirt with other guest, without drawing undue attention to themselves, or being overheard making vulgar comments to ladies. For the “Chap Room” allows them to dictate a complimentary note to a secretary, in the privacy of the cocktail bar, while calm of mind, collected of thought and still in possession of their dignity. The… Keep Reading

David Cameron
News

Cameron Shows Caddish Credentials

Prime Minister David Cameron revealed a slightly darker side to his character recently, when he emerged from a Tory black-tie dinner at the Carlton Club. As soon as he was out of sight of the other guests, who included Ken Clarke, Iain Duncan-Smith and Theresa May, Mr. Cameron ducked into his chauffeur-driven car and immediately loosened his bow tie. In the style favoured by cads such as Terry-Thomas and Leslie Phillips, he left the undone bow tie draped over his collarbone. Mr. Cameron was then overheard saying to his driver, “Right, Hardeep, that’s enough quaffing and waffling for the evening.… Keep Reading

Geo F Trumpers
News

Trumpers Survives Second Jermyn Street Blitz

Ancient gentlemen’s grooming emporium Geo F Trumper’s Jermyn Street outlet has been temporarily moved to new premises, due to the proposed redevelopment of the Piccadilly end of Jermyn Street. Westminster City Council has endorsed the Crown Estate’s proposal for a 150,000 sq ft mixed use redevelopment scheme known as St. James’s Gateway. The proposal forms part of The Crown Estate’s recently announced investment programme to “raise standards across its significant St. James’s portfolio.” Pardon us for asking, but how could one possibly “raise standards” in one of the most quintessentially English streets in the country, and arguably the single most… Keep Reading

Mexican molly fish
News

Moustachioed Fish More Attractive to Lady Fish

Until a recent study, scientists were unsure as to why male Mexican molly fish (Poecilia sphenops) sported an extravagant moustache-like structure on their upper lips. Close study of the fish’s sexual behaviour revealed that, much like in human gentlemanly circles, the females are drawn to the more luxuriantly moustachioed males. But, as recorded in Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology journal, the molly’s tache has a more active sexual purpose, over and above the obvious aesthetic advantages of a sterling bit of face furniture: it is used to rub the female’s genitals and excite them into a frenzy of sexual activity. The… Keep Reading

Sebastian Horsely
News

Death of a Dandy

Sebastian Horsley’s body was found on the morning of Thursday 17th June at his flat in Soho, the cause of death being a suspected heroin overdose. Horsley had just witnessed the opening of a new play about his life at the Soho Theatre, which was set to be made into a film produced by his friend Stephen Fry. Sebastian will be greatly missed by The Chap – he provided the world with a much-needed dose of flamboyance, excess, colour and dandyism. His stance as an anti-fashion, anti-hero, anti-artist with absolutely no care for public opinion or political correctness made him… Keep Reading

FA Cup Suits
News

World Cup Squad Set Forth in Shiny Suits

The England soccer team has been kitted out with smart new suits by Marks and Spencer. The official FA suit has been made to specifications set by England Manager Fabio Capello, who is Italian. Accordingly, the suit is a tad on the spivvy side, overly shiny and the trousers are rather tight around the crotch. Created in collaboration with bespoke tailor Timothy Everest, the suit is cut from 100% wool fabric in a black and white micro birdseye fabric from the Alfred Brown Mill in Leeds. The England suit has been described as “sculpted to a modern British block with… Keep Reading

Cricket Bat
News

English Cricket Bat Industry Under EU Threat

The English cricket bat industry is under threat following a European directive which prevents willow being exported outside Europe. Introduced in March this year, the EU law prohibits the use of the insecticide Methyl Bromide, with which the willow is treated before being exported to be turned into cricket bats. However, the wood cannot leave the country without a fumigation certificate and the industry’s main markets in India, Pakistan and Australia do not currently accept any alternative treatment for the wood apart from Methyl Bromide. Only four British companies export English willow to the rest of the world and suppliers… Keep Reading

Matt Smith
News

Time Lord Saves Harris Tweed

Matt Smith, the actor playing the latest incarnation of the Doctor in Doctor Who, has inadvertently revived the Harris Tweed industry in the Outer Hebrides. Mr. Smith, working with Dr Who’s costume designer Ray Holman, chose a vintage tweed jacket as part of his signature outfit, which also includes a bow tie, striped shirt and braces. The Chap has yet to establish whether the bow tie is real, though the braces are sadly of the clip-on variety. Mr. Smith’s tweed jacket, however, is thankfully authentic, dating from the late 1960s and made from a Mackenzie two-by-two dogtooth Harris Tweed. Given… Keep Reading

One Arm Bandit
News

The One-Armed Cufflink Bandit

A one-armed man walked into a jewellery shop in Essex and distracted staff while he made off with a single cufflink. The thief pretended to be looking for a present for his mother, when he knocked boxes of cufflinks on the floor and ran off with one in the shape of a boxing glove. The gold cufflink from CJ Vinten in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, is worth £120 and police have issued CCTV footage of the thief. Sally Ann Manthorp, who works at the shop, said: “It wasn’t until we watched the CCTV we saw he had an empty sleeve tucked in… Keep Reading

Ian Carmichael
News

RIP Ian Carmichael 1920-2010

The British actor who could be said to have embodied the ethos of Chappishness has died aged 89. Ian Carmichael always played the upper class twit, offering a bumbling but well-meaning conterpoint to the cads and bounders who shared the screen with him. One of his best-known roles was as Bertie Wooster in the 1960s BBC series, with Dennis Price as Jeeves. Although in his late 40s when he took the role of PG Wodehouse’s bumbling oaf (supposedly fresh out of university), Carmichael captured the spirit of Bertie in a way few actors have managed, including Hugh Laurie in the… Keep Reading

Handshake
News

Hand Shaking Given Shakedown

Modern youngsters are eschewing the handshake as the customary greeting and parting gesture. They are replacing it with a casual wave, a hug or by touching fists – in a nod to the tradition held by the rap musicians they listen to. The custom of shaking hands dates back to medieval times, when it was used as a peaceful greeting between knights; the open hand showed they were not holding any weapon. A poll revealed that 74 per cent of adults shake hands less often than they used to, while only 45 per cent of the under-25s do so. The… Keep Reading

Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer
News

Mr. B Hails The Chap With New Ditty

Hail the Chap! Lovable Chap-hop artiste and rapper for the flappers, Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, has composed a brand-new song especially for The Chap, to commemorate the tenth anniversary of this august publication. Entitled “Hail The Chap!”, the ditty explores the theme of the Chap’s ten-year history, examining its various achievements and manifestoes, within a strictly syncopated aeolian cadence and partial spoken word format according to the dictates of hip-hop – but with the addition of an adeptly placed ukulele. Mr. B is England’s foremost proponent of the musical form he calls Chap-hop; although other versions exist of this… Keep Reading

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